How To Forgive And Forget...

You may not ever forget certain hurts or disappointments, but it’s so empowering to forgive and move forward.

How to Forgive – 5 Easy Steps

1. Value the power of forgiveness. If you truly want to learn how to forgive someone, you have to first value the power of forgiveness. This begins with being honest with yourself about the price of holding a grudge, who’s paying that price and how you might benefit from letting go.

As long as you see forgiveness as some type of pass given to the person you’re mad at, you’ll find yourself carrying the burden that you wish upon them. The truth is that forgiveness is something very personal, a gift that you give to yourself rather than to any other person. Instead of worrying about letting someone else off the hook, ask yourself if you deserve to set yourself free.

2. Take responsibility. Letting go of a grudge is never easy but it’s nearly impossible if you don’t own your role. When we hold grudges, we give the other person total responsibility for the circumstances, the effects and our feelings. But there’s always room for personal responsibility to fit into the equation.

To forgive someone and stop holding a grudge, you have to stop associating responsibility with blame. I can’t stress this enough: Taking responsibility is not the same as blaming yourself. It’s far more empowering!

In some cases, taking responsibility means owning your role in the creation of a problem. Maybe there’s something you need to apologize for or some truth you’re trying to ignore. Even in cases where you are 100% “innocent,” you’re still responsible for the solution.

You are responsible for the thoughts you think, the feelings that result from those thoughts and the action you take to move forward. You’re the person who has to get unstuck and this can only be done by accepting responsibility for what happens from this moment on.

A person can hurt or disappoint you in the moment, but only you can make you miserable. I guarantee you that forgiveness feels a whole lot better.

3. Ponder perspectives. As tough as it is to admit it, the story we tell ourselves is rarely the full story—or the only story. Our individual perspectives have a way of coloring life experiences to the point that two people’s recollections of the same event look nothing alike. This makes it very difficult to agree on what happened, who is right or where things went wrong. As you might imagine, it also makes it much easier to hold a grudge than to forgive someone.

The only way around this is to deliberately consider the perspectives of others. What might they have been thinking or feeling? What justifications might they have? What differences in values, culture or personality might make the situation easier to understand?

You may not be able to come up with exact answers to these questions on your own, but it’s a great way to challenge yourself to think outside of the perspective that’s keeping you stuck holding a grudge. If you can’t figure out how to see yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can’t figure out how to forgive.

4. Embrace imperfection. Sometimes the easiest way to forgive is to remember how perfectly imperfect we all are. It may help to consider some of your own shortcomings and how they may have affected others. Have you ever jumped to conclusions unfairly or let someone down? Have you gossiped, lied or judged? Of course you have! Rather than dwelling on any of that, simply acknowledge it and choose to accept yourself with love.


The more you’re willing to love and forgive yourself, the more easily you’ll accept the missteps of others without holding a grudge.

5. Assert yourself. If you’re reading this, you’ve likely realized that forgiveness doesn’t just happen. It’s usually a process; and that process begins with healing. But how can anyone expect to heal while holding in the problem?

In a perfect world, people would know exactly what they’ve done to trigger us and exactly how to make it right. But you want to know how to forgive someone in our current world—and it’s not quite that perfect. Most people aren’t mind readers, so you actually have to express yourself assertively to get your point across.

If it’s safe and possible, speak directly to the person you’re holding a grudge against. Use assertiveness skills to let them know exactly how you feel, what you’re expecting from them and what you plan to do. If you can’t speak to the person you want to forgive, you still need to get your feelings out in a positive, supportive environment. A trusted friend or family member is a great place to start.